By Lisa Sugarman
This one’s for you, ladies.
Guys, feel free to read on. This could be a rare, painless glimpse into the mind of your better half. And you’re safe here—it’ll be like looking through one-way surveillance glass on SVU, you can see us but we can’t see you.
So last week was spring cleaning week, which means, historically speaking, that this week is Try-on-all-Your-Spring-and-Summer-Clothes-Hoping-They-Still-Fit Week. Not an officially recognized observance period, but still significant nonetheless. And a very touchy calendar marker for us girls.
Summer, she’s a comin’, like a runaway train. So like you, I’m trying like hell to get my groove on before it actually gets here. You know what I mean when I say groove, right girls? It means bikini body and all that that implies. And for all you mature, seasoned ladies, like myself (and by that I mean over 40), it ain’t easy. But it’s a necessary evil, for sure.
Spring is always a dicey time of the year for us girls. It’s when we see how hard we really fell off the exercise wagon over the winter. Did we just gently slide off the back and land softly on our slightly plumper rear end or are we talking severe road rash and internal bleeding? Either way, it’s painful. I know. I’m right there with you.
We’re all dying to get into our skinny jeans but none of us would be caught dead in them until we can safely button the top button and still exhale. About the only thing we’ve got going for us coming off of winter is the fact that our toes don’t retain much water from season to season and they look good right out of the gate after a decent mani/pedi. So you know what that means, girls, it just means we need to work from the bottom up. And we’re women, are we not? The heartiest of the hearty. I mean come on, if we can all manage labor and delivery, then losing a little winter weight is like a cake walk. (Sorry, bad analogy under the circumstances.)
We all want the same things—good arms, good butt, good thigh gap—but what we all have to accept is that it’s a helluva lot tougher to get and maintain than it was a decade or two ago. So right here and now I need you to just suck it up. Know it. Accept it. And let’s move on. We aren’t who we once were but I think we can be better. Really. I think if we commit we can just sidestep the whole aging thing altogether. I’m such a believer that age is a state of mind that I’m willing to calling aging out right here publically and say, “Screw you.” That said, we can’t just wallow in it anymore, we need to fight! We need to train harder and smarter and avoid looking aging in the eye at all costs. So our metabolisms have started playing mean, nasty little tricks on us. So what. We can fight back. We can eat a tiny bit less; we can order the skinny latte; we can walk the dog instead of letting him out back on the runner. We have options. We always have options.
So this is what I need you to do. You need to get your game face on right now. Go on, dig it out of wherever you left it and put it on right now. It’s probably behind your Nike Shox in the back of your cedar closet. We’ve got what, six weeks until Memorial Day? For God’s sake, they can build a condo complex in six weeks. We’ve got a little weight to cut and six weeks is like an eternity. We just need to keep our eye on the prize and get jiggy with it.
All you really need is a little perspective. So here it is: THIS IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN OVERNIGHT. You’re going to get pissy. You’re going to get moody. (Sorry guys.) And we’re probably not going to be friends anymore because I’m making you do this. But it’s ok, because once you’re inspired and doing what I tell you to do, the weight will come off. Then you’re gonna love me. Remember, there’s strength in numbers and, more importantly, misery loves company. So we’re all in it to win it from this point on. Because, like anything, this is all just about attitude anyway. Attitude. Attitude. ATTITUDE.
There’s this saying I love (probably because it applies to just about anything): You are who you believe yourself to be. So if I brainwash you enough right now, you’ll believe that you’re a weight-loss machine and you’ll start dropping weight before you put down the paper.
Look, we’re all in damage control mode right now. There isn’t one of us out there who didn’t get even a little soft this winter, myself included. It’s just what happens when we live in a climate that offers season changes, which, in turn, offers bulky, concealing, forgiving clothing. But it’s ok. Hibernation is over. It’s go time.
What we all need to remember is that it takes almost exactly the same amount of time to put weight on as it takes to get it off. So we’re skipping right over the pity party and getting straight to work. We need to get crackalackin’. Consider this your kick in the ass. Sorry, but you needed it. Besides, that’s what friends are for.
And guys, I think they’re all set now. You’re welcome.
Lisa Sugarman lives in Marblehead, Massachusetts. Read and discuss all her columns at facebook.com/ItisWhatitisColumn OR read her blog at https://itiswhatitiscolumn.wordpress.com.